


Of Legisclacerators and Hateful Criminals

by ScarletteFox718



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Hate Sex, PWP, roleplaying leading to sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-24
Updated: 2016-06-24
Packaged: 2018-07-16 22:31:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7287295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScarletteFox718/pseuds/ScarletteFox718
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Terezi Pyrope is an all powerful legisclacerator, and John has been convicted of a terrible crime. Too bad for Terezi, the entire thing is an elaborate roleplay that she dragged her kismesis into, which pisses him off and leads to some quality hate sex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Legisclacerators and Hateful Criminals

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Chezire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chezire/gifts).



> I must say that I had a lot of fun writing this. I was laughing to myself as I wrote certain aspects of it and thoroughly hope you enjoy the piece.

How I ever got myself into this situation, I will never be able to tell you. One minute, I was setting up a prank to be played on my… was she my kismesis? Could humans really adapt to that in this new world? Ah well. The next, she roped me into roleplaying a trial with me as the criminal! Who is ‘she’, exactly?

 

Terezi Pyrope. Dragon-loving fuckwit of a troll. I hate her. She gives me too much of a run for my money when it came to pranking people and trolling them. It isn’t fair! I’m supposed to be the pranking master!

 

Regardless, here I am, in Terezi’s new living space with a giant troll(? Who even know what the thing she drew on the wall was?) picture in front of me. The teal-blooded troll is off to my right side with her cane in her roleplay outfit (her… flarping… outfit?) with a shit-eating grin on her face. She gives me a side glance and smirk before, what did she call it? Approaching the stand? Whatever. I’m not going to pretend to understand her legal jargon. I think she purposely dragged me into this roleplay to make fun of my intelligence. She’s been using nothing but legal slang the entire time, and, quite frankly, I’m lost. I don’t even know what’s going on in the roleplay trial. I’m just sitting here on her couch with my arms crossed over my favorite slime beast shirt watching as she speaks.

 

“Your Tyrannical Honor. If I may bring forth the perpetrator for questioning, I believe I can get a confession out of him yet!” she says in that stupid, gravelly voice of hers. Then, she turns to me. “I call John Egbert to the stand.” Oh god. That means I have to go over to her, doesn’t it? She’s going to lick me. I know she is. She finds every opportunity to because she knows it grosses me out.

 

So I get up with a groan and ‘approach the stand’ to be ‘questioned.’ I roll my eyes even though I know she can’t see them and move next to her.

 

“I’m here, Terezi. What asinine questions do you have for me?” I ask, annoyance clear in my voice. The girl in front of me frowned before beginning to speak.

 

“Is that any way to talk to the only thing in your way between freedom and death? I think not! Now, Egbert. Where were you the night of 12th perigee?” She’s seriously wanting a decent answer out of me, isn’t she? Fucker.

 

“Hmmm… let’s see. What is 12th perigee again?” I ask with a smirk. Fine. If she wants to annoy me, I’ll play completely stupid with this. She wants to insult my intelligence, then I’ll act like I know absolutely nothing. And hooo boy does it frustrate her.

 

“You know well what 12th perigee is, Egbert. I have explained this to you multiple times. It is in the snow seasons with gift giving. I believe you stupid humans call it ‘Christmas’ or some shit. Now, can we get on with the questioning? Where were you that night?” Behind her stupid red glasses, I can see her eyes narrowing at me as her face draws into a sneer. I smirk even wider.

 

“OH! Well, why didn’t you say so earlier? I was with you on Christmas, dummy. We were at the party that Karkat hosted. Remember, you and I had to kiss under the mistletoe Roxy put up? Boy, was that gross,” I ramble as she grows more frustrated with me.

 

“Very well. So you _say_ you were there, but how are we to know that you were the real John there? Hm? After all, your powers allow you to do much, Egbert. Who is to say that you weren’t actually at the scene of the crime?” Aaaand I’m lost again. I don’t even know the ‘crime’ I’m being tried for. This time when I speak, I let my confusion show.

 

“What crime scene? What crime am I even being accused of? No one ever explained to me why I was even here? Aren’t you supposed to tell me? Don’t I have a right to know?” I question her in return, seeing her take a small step back in surprise. She then regains her composure.

 

“Hush, criminal! You have no rights seeing as you are the one being persecuted! I’ll continue asking the questions here. Now, why did you do it? Why did you commit the awful, distasteful crime?”

 

“GAH! _WHAT_ crime, Terezi?! How can I tell you how or why I did or didn’t do something if I don’t even know what it is I’m being accused of?!” I shout, having enough of her pulling my leg like she is.

 

“What crime, you ask, as if you don’t know, you thief! You despicable, deplorable thief. And stealing something so valuable, too! How dare you! It was the best thing, too. The tastiest and best smelling thing!” There are only a handful of things she could be talking about, but I haven’t the foggiest which it could even be. So, I just look at her in a large state of confusion before sighing with exasperation. Suddenly, an idea hits me what she could be talking about. Wasn’t His Honorable Whatever usually drawn in red? He is in green today. Why change it, unless she couldn’t find her red chalk?

 

“Are you talking about your red chalk? I haven’t seen it. Are you sure you didn’t eat it because it ‘ _tastes so good_ ’? Check your tongue,” I say, figuring if it was a recent crime, the evidence would still be on her tongue. She frowns at me, but licks her lips, taking in the taste within her mouth.

 

“...His Honorable Tyranny has decided to let John Egbert go without sentencing due to being wrongly accused…” I see her glare at her and give her a smirk of my own, standing and walking back over to the couch. I sit and cross my arms, looking at her. The girl finally turns to me with a look of fury, storming over and grabbing my shirt in both hands, pulling me right up to her face. “How did you manage to get that? You’re an idiot, John! You weren’t supposed to figure that out! I was supposed to kill you, dammit!”

 

“Ugh. It wasn’t that hard to figure out, Terezi! You drew him in a different color than normal! Anybody with eyes can see that,” I comment, making a jab at her lack of sight. She growls and kisses me hard, sharp teeth cutting at my bottom lip. I can feel the blood welling and starting to slide down, but I can’t do anything about it with her still attached to my face. So I kiss back and bite at her lips, trying my best to bite hard enough to draw blood from her, too. It’s unfair how sharp troll teeth are.

 

“Well, fuck you, too, Egbert! You know I can’t see. You had an unfair advantage in this case. You shouldn’t have gone free. You cheated,” she says through kisses as she claws at my shirt, undecided whether or not to destroy it, it seems. To save my shirt, I pull away and yank it off, showing off my broad, built body (not to toot my own horn or anything, but damn, I’m hot. Working consistently with warhammers really builds muscle).

 

“I know you can’t, but that doesn’t matter, Terezi. You can still ‘see’ with your nose and shit. Plus, you have an advantage over me since you know all this law stuff, and I don’t. So really, you were the cheater,” I say as I return to kissing her, tugging at her shirt and making to pull it over her head. She shoves me away and takes it off herself, revealing her… what do the trolls call them… rumble-spheres? Ah screw it. Her troll breasts. I immediately grab at them and squeeze. They aren’t completely pliant under my hands, but they aren’t completely stiff either. It’s more of nice, firm squish. Almost like the fake boobs women got back on old Earth, not that I’d know what they feel like. She grabs my face and shoves it to the side, latching onto my neck and biting and sucking at it. I feel her teeth nick my skin again, and the next thing I know, I feel the tickle of blood trailing down from the site. “Goddammit, Terezi! Fucking stop that!”

 

“Not on your life, Egbert. It’s too much fun. And I’m not a cheater. You are the one too stupid to understand the beautiful complexity of a just case.” She runs her claws down my chest and stomach, leaving behind red welts where tiny pinpricks of blood well from the areas she scratched a little too hard. I hiss in a breath of pain as I shift our positions on the couch so she’s sitting, and I’m on top. I decide to turn the tables on her completely and latch myself onto _her_  neck and bite hard enough that she hisses in pain, and I can feel the blood enter my mouth from the punctured skin.

 

“Fuck, John! That fucking hurt, you asshole!”

 

“Now you know what it feels like, you bitch.”

 

“At least I’m not too stupid to understand what all goes on in a trial.”

 

“That wasn’t even a real trial, Terezi! It was a roleplay! And a dumb one at that.”

 

“You take that back!”

 

“Not a chance!”

 

“RAUGH!” she screams out as she bodily shifts our positions again so I’m on my back on the couch, and she’s on top. Throwing caution to the wind, she tears my pants and boxers right off of me, destroying them in the process.

 

“What the fuck?! Why the hell did you do that?!” I yell at her. Terezi just sneers at me and takes off her own pants and underwear, revealing a teal colored tentacle coming from her crotch. She then holds me down with all her force, and I know I’m going to bruise later from that. “What in the fuck are you doing, Terezi?”

 

“Why, John. I thought you’d be smarter than that. I’m going to fuck you senseless,” she states with a smirk on her face, anger changing to confidence. It’s like she’s convinced she’s going to stick that bulge inside of me. Well she’s dead wrong.

 

“Oh no you aren’t! My dick is going inside you, not the other way around. I’m not letting you stick something like that up my ass.” I glare at her and attempt to move us so I can fuck her instead, but she holds me down nice and tight. Terezi then nudges my legs open and positions herself between them. Her bulge wiggles and writhes, searching for somewhere to go and finds my ass. “Terezi, don’t you dare. Terezi! Tere-oh fuck!” With very little warning, her bulge inserts itself into me, chilling me quite a bit from the cool temperature of it.

 

“You were saying, Egbert?” Terezi asks with a smirk, shoving in more. It hurts, but at the same time, the coolness of the bulge helps in relieving some of the burning feeling as she stretches me. Then, all of a sudden, the thing is wiggling inside of me. It feels so weird and is almost like it’s seeking something. I struggle in her grasp, trying to get away so that I can change our positions when her bulge hits something in me that makes me see stars.

 

“O-oh god…” I moan lowly. My head falls back as my back arches, taking in even more of her.

 

“Is that the spot, John?” she asks, and I can just hear how snide she is. So I open my eyes that I didn’t realize I’d closed and glare at her, struggling even more.

 

“N-no! I don’t know what you’re talking about. Now get out of me so I can fuck you!” Instead of doing that, her bulge wiggles more and pushes against that spot again, rubbing at it and making me moan even louder than before as it gets harder to breathe. My hands grip at the couch, trying to find something to ground myself from the pleasure that erupts from the sensations.

 

“Oh really? Because I think I found the right spot. What do you say, John? Pretty good for not being able to see what I’m doing, huh?” She drags her claws down my sides, finally releasing my arms. I bring them up with the intention to push her off of me, but instead they wrap around her neck as she pushes against that spot again. I rock against her against my will as my arms pull her down so I can roughly kiss her. The more she moves against me, the louder and more frenzied my moans become, my dick becoming insanely hard from the pleasure and pressing up into her abdomen. She brings a hand down to wrap around it and starts pumping it. “Your bulge is so weird, John. It doesn’t move and is too stiff.”

 

“It’s...a dick… not a… nnnnngh… not a bulge.” I moan out, trying to fight off the pleasure. She pulls back some and stares down at my member, flicking the tip with a sharp claw, that little motion sending me right over the edge without realizing how close I’d been. I come hard onto her as I clench down around her bulge, finally causing her to moan.

 

“Ew. Your genetic material is so weak. It’s white, and there’s so little of it. Let me show you how much you’re _supposed_ to produce.” With another smirk, she pulls out of me, noting how weak I am from my orgasm and moves up on the couch to the point where she’s straddling my face. I feel her place herself against my lips. “Lick, Egbert, or I suffocate you.” Who can turn down a threat like that?

 

So, I stick my tongue out and taste the tart saltiness of her wet nook. “Ick… so salty…” I comment before sticking my tongue out to continue licking and lapping at her, trying to go deeper, too, seeking out something that will really get her going. Apparently, just my tongue is enough, though, as I feel her rock against my face and moan.

 

“It matches my personality perfectly then, doesn’t it, John? Now keep doing that. Oh gods, yes,” she moans. I feel her get wetter and wetter the more I work my tongue on her. She reaches down to grip roughly at my hair, bearing down on me harder and rocking more and more. “Gods, yes. Egbert. Now you’ll see how much material you’re supposed to produce.” That is all the warning I get before my face gets covered in fluid. I choke and sputter, sneezing to get the material out of my nose and quickly shutting my eyes so it doesn’t get in them. It’s so thick, but there’s so much of it. It’s like it’s never going to end.

 

But it finally does end, only after I’m completely drenched, though. Terezi moves off of me when she’s finished, moving to sit on my legs while I raise my hands to wipe the material off my eyes. Somewhere along the way, my glasses got ditched, and I’m not entirely sure when or where that happened, so my vision is limited when I finally do manage to open my eyes. Terezi is a blur of grey and black in front of me. As I sit up, she gets a little clearer, and I can see the smirk on her face before she starts cackling.

 

“Now _that’s_ how it’s done, Egbert. You are a complete mess,” Terezi comments after she finishes laughing. I glare at her.

 

“Oh, ha ha. Humans can’t produce that much. I’ll never match that, so you can go shove it up your ass.” I start trying to wipe as much material off my face as I can, not liking that some of it got in my mouth when I opened it to talk. “Blech….”

 

“So, have you learned your lesson about calling my roleplays stupid?”

 

“So, have you learned _your_ lesson about underestimating my intelligence in said roleplays?”

 

“Touché. You _have_ gotten a bit smarter, I guess.” I frown at her and shove her off of me onto the floor.

 

“Hopefully, your ‘cases’ will be more challenging in the future. Really. Accusing me of stealing your chalk when you know damn well you ate it is just asinine.”

  
“Well, your face is asinine!” Terezi sticks her tongue out at me and makes half the spades sign. I roll my eyes and make the other half before punching her in the shoulder. She smacks me on the arm, and we begin the hate-courting once more.


End file.
